I recently had to have a talk with my 12 year old son. Not even THE talk (which as open as I am about that topic, I’m still dreading having that talk. Weird, but that’s for another post). There are video games my kids play that I hate. I recently found out that he was playing one of the games that I said was off limits. He gave some excuse about how it was the Avengers version of the game to which I had to reply that I didn’t ban him from all but the Avengers version, I banned him from the game. But that’s my son’s vice, twisting the truth or painting things in a manner that gets him what he wants. It’s not malicious though. He admits that it is something he struggles with.
I for a long time have felt like the unreasonable parent. I constantly feel like I’m fighting a losing battle with the things my kids are exposed to (some of which I will admit is my fault). They play these video games that all of the kids are playing and seems like it’s no big deal. But then I hear them running around playing games and saying things like “I’m the murderer,” which comes from one of those video games. My younger son was recently helping out his “buddy” at school, who is 5 years old, do a project where they had to talk about what they wanted to be when they grew up. The kid wanted to be a paramedic, and my son helped him draw a picture of a guy jumping off a building and committing suicide. The ambulance was there to take care of it. It was a 10 year olds lapse in judgement that we can forgive him for, but I felt horrible that not only did that thought come into his head to teach this 5 year old, but this poor kids parents now may have to explain something to their child that shouldn’t even be a thought in his head because of that lapse of judgement in my son. When we asked where he got the idea, it was from one of those video games that I don’t like.
I had a conversation with Lena about what to do, because I had one kid who was playing a game he wasn’t supposed to and one who was sharing inappropriate topics with a 5 year old, and I always felt like the bad guy. Colin, the 12 year old, must have overheard it because he was later talking about getting rid of his Xbox. Time for a conversation. I felt bad because he had done a really good job saving up for that video game consul and bought it himself and he really likes it. I didn’t want him to have to give it up. I asked him about it and why he wanted to sell it and he said because he felt like it was causing separation between us. It made me proud, relieved, joyous, happy, all sort of good feelings to realize that at his age, he was choosing me over this video game that he loved. He also said that he didn’t like the way his friends were influencing him to do things that he knew he shouldn’t do.
I’m getting teary eyed as I write this because so many times over 12 years I have felt like a failure when it comes to raising these kids. I have such a hard time relating to them because I don’t care about the video games they are playing or the idiots they are watching on Youtube. Cailyn has always understood concepts that are far beyond her age (If I haven’t written a blog about that then I will soon), but she likes to read books that are below her reading level and don’t lead to discussion. Sometimes they say things or do things that just make me feel like I haven’t done a good job raising them. In these two thoughts from Colin, I realized that maybe I haven’t done as terrible of a job as I thought. It also made me realize that he is more capable of higher reasoning and making the right choices than I thought he was (hence the title of the post). Sometimes we as parents don’t give our kids enough credit. They are more capable of thinking and reasoning and making choices, good or bad, than we realize.
I’ve said more than once that parenting sucks. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Trying to raise three kids to be positive contributors to society, to treat others with respect, to make good choices, and to be able to take care of themselves when they leave us is hard work. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we plan or hope. But don’t give up. You are likely doing a much better job than you think you are. There is a saying about the unforgivable sin that if you think you’ve committed it, you probably haven’t. I think the same goes for parenting. If you think you’re failing at it, you probably aren’t failing as badly as you think, because those that are really failing don’t care enough to think about it. Have conversations with your kids and teach them how you have to think as a parent. I shared my heart with Colin that day about my responsibilities and the reasons I hate those video games. He won’t understand all of it until he is a parent himself, but hopefully he’ll remember.
Be blessed.
